As I see it, the main problem with a consumerism lifestyle of trying to keep up in the race to accumulate “stuff” are the innocent bystanders, kids. My reasoning:
- Both parents are working. It is hard to keep up with the Jones’ with only one income. As a result, often both parents work and leave their kids in daycare or after-school child care. I have seen this a lot at my son’s school where a parent drops them off in the morning and returns at 5:30pm, in their expensive SUV, to pick them up. Essentially, we have created a society where others raise our kids, which only leaves an hour or 2 with them before bedtime. I wonder what would happen if we gave the child the choice between an expensive family car or a parent at home every afternoon? Why don’t we give kids a choice in this matter? Afraid of the answer would be my guess.
- Children Need A Parent At Home. You will not be able to convince me that daycare offers the same nurturing environment where attachments are made the same way as they are at home, especially in the very formative first 5 years of life. Is it hard work to create this nurturing environment at home? Darn right it is, often harder than actually working a “real” job. But I can tell you first hand that the rewards are abundant. Stuff like toys and video games will come and go, but time spent and memories created raising your kids will last a lifetime.
- Argument: But we both have to work to make ends meet! To that I would say, “Move your ends closer together to begin with.” Meaning look at your lifestyle, set up a budget, and cut back so one parent can stay home. Move into a smaller house, downsize your car, get rid of cable, shop at discount grocery stores, there are many ways to make this work. My opinion is that many parents don’t want to sacrifice things in order to have a parent at home. It really comes down to a choice to make it work.
- If your priority is to have a parent at home then it will happen! The economy will always be an excuse, but for families that believe it is in the best interest of their children to have a parent at home they will find a way to make it happen. I take my hat off to those parents making the sacrifices necessary.
From reading other blogs recently, my opinion on this subject seems to be the exception rather than the rule. This post has been on my mind for awhile now and I felt it was my turn to give my opinion. As usual, comments welcomed.
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13 responses so far ↓
There are some cases, like single moms, where it’s not feasible. But otherwise I’m with you on this. It doesn’t make sense to say that you’re doing all this stuff for your kids when you barely see them.
I stay home during the day with my kids. My son goes to preschool for his speech delay half-days, he is 3. We are honestly working so hard to get out of debt so that I don’t have to go outside the home to work before the kids are in school. Debt stinks and I hate it.
Hopefully we’ve worked things out now that I can continue to stay home with the kids. We’ll see. Don’t get into debt! lol
Staying at home is something I always wanted to do and we planned for it. I’ve just arrived in the US after living in the UK and Italy. I see a huge difference in the expectations of the parents and the consumerism is like a bug. Everyone seems to catch it.
Living in Europe has taught me to do what’s best for my kids and what works best for me- nevermind the Jones’. We all have choices. I’d like to think that all parents weigh up what’s important in their lives and go full out to achieve it for their family.
I worked outside the home for while last year. It wasn’t about money or keeping up with anyone although it did pad our savings quite nicely by coincidence. It did more for my mental health than meds, therapy, & alternative healing have ever done which is ironic given that it was the first thing the first doctor I ever saw for my depression/anxiety suggested. At the time, I was offended because I believed SAH was always best and that he was ignorant of the value of my choices. Finally, 5 years later I went to work as a last resort-because nothing else was working and because I loved my children and I wanted more for them than what I was able to give in that situation. And I’m not talking I wanted monetary things.
I believe if our society wants to value parents who stay home with their children, they need to start by putting supports into place for the caregivers in an environment that is highly correlated with depressive disorders.
While being home *may* sometimes be ideal for the children, I’m not convinced it always is. In my children’s case, its much better for them to have a mama than have one who is suicidal. There are worse things for kids than having 2 parents who work.
I’m not sure your opinion is the exception (at least in the personal finance blogging world). I feel that there are many bloggers who agree with you. The concept that people (including myself) might disagree on is more that it has to be the mom who stays at home. It really should be gender neutral issue which I think you’ve treated as such.
Personally, I think society needs to shift to more flexible thinking. There’s no reason that the choice has to be between a 60 hour career or staying at home. I would love it in the future if I ever had kids I would be able to take turns with my future wife different days on who watched the kids.
I’m totally with you on this one, Kyle. I have always said that when my kids leave for college, I don’t want to look back and wish I had spent more time with them. Time is one thing I can never get back. When my kids are grown, if I still want the house and the car and all the “stuff”, I can get a job to pay for it. But I will never be able to turn back the clock to spend more time with my children.
Our financial situation has not always been one of relative comfort the way it is now. Sometimes I look back on those very lean years and shake my head in wonder at how we managed. But we did — we lived through some very lean years but there were two hard and fast rules we lived by: 1) we didn’t spend anything more than what we had, and 2) someone was always at home with the kids.
As a near-militant proponent of extended breastfeeding, I do feel that mom is the best caregiver for the first 18mos to 2 years, if possible. Pumping can be done (I’ve done it myself) but it greatly increases the odds that breastfeeding won’t be successful or extended. Once the child is weaned, I’m all for the idea that dad is just as qualified as mom to be the main caregiver. My own brother is and always has been a stay-at-home dad and he’s absolutely fabulous at it.
Two points: I think Lynnae is right on the money — time is the one thing you can never get back and for me, at least, the last 15 years have been the shortest of my life. Wasn’t it just yesterday that my daughter was a feisty 2yo with a new “little, little baby brother”?
Also, “keeping up the Jones’” is an extremely unattractive and destructive trait in any family. Kids in daycare might be the obvious end result for dual income families but the phenomena also exists in single-income families as well — and the price can be just as high: futures squandered on the here and now, selfish and self-absorbed children, a new generation with no sense of the value of money.
Wow, thank you all for leaving your opinion on this topic. It is neat to see everyones different thoughts. All family situations are different and I totally respect that.
Well, I know you’re aware of my feelings on the subject and I agree with you 100%, Kyle. It’s a great point to note that if you make it a priority to stay at home, it WILL happen. It’s easy to forget that this is true!
I love your comment, “If your priority is to have a parent at home then it will happen!”
My husband and I decided our priority was that BOTH of us could be home to raise our child. And it DID happen!
The benefits, for all three of us, are absolutely amazing.
May I suggest an alternative that I don’t hear of very often? Perhaps each parent can work part-time, while the other is caring for the children. Benefits of this arrangement:
-Kids develop strong bonds with mom AND dad (and visa versa).
-Mom AND dad can pursue careers or businesses
-Both parents spend some time out of the home and with other adults.
-There is a broad mix of time together, apart, and one-on-one.
Yes, I know that some careers are difficult on a part-time basis. But once again, I believe that in most cases if it’s a priority, it can happen!
MMND, I like your idea of both parents working part-time. I think that is pretty feasible, especially if you are a independent contractor or consultant and have that schedule flexibility. Thanks for the comment and compliment!
Since I was pregnant with my first daughter I’ve been a SAHM. I did go back to work part-time a couple of years ago but it’s only 2 days a week. We’ve had to make some sacrifices but feel that they were worth it. Since our jobs takes us away for days at a time, we felt that it was in the kids’ best interest to always have one parent home and not let baby sitters or relatives raise them.
Thank you for submitting this post to the Carnival of Family Life. It will be included in the upcoming edition on Nov 19th at An Island Life.
I was a stay at home wife and mother for 21.5 years. At first I hated it, I gave up a great job and the respect that goes with working outside the home. Then after a time I became quite good at my job. I was an outstanding wife, so much so that all my husbands friends constantly commented on it. I raised two well manner, well behaved , and miraculously in the states well adjusted self sufficient children. I home schooled them for grades 1thru 8 they went on to Ivy Leauge colleges totally self sufficient on scholarships. Here is the kicker Hubby drank, he beat and he cheat, he walked off with all of our retirement which was a ton from frugalliving for years. I ended up with no education , no job skills, what I do have is a very strong relationship with my two children. Staying home can be great. It does come with a hefty price in our society. No income for 21 years equals no job later too.