3 Ways to Make Sure You Never Get Punched in the Genitals at Walmart

February 6, 2014 by Kyle

Yesterday I saw a story on Consumerist and Gawker that detailed the story of a man who pretended to be a Walmart employee. Now that alone was weird enough, but the tale gets stranger when he exposed himself to a female shopper. But then the story gets totally awesome as the lady whacks the flasher in his exposed genitals and sends him staggering from the store. True story, there is no way I can make this stuff up.

Apparently the suspect is still on the loose. Clearly. Local authorities are searching for a man with an odd walk, high pitched voice, blue eyes, balding, and black and blue…um, yeah, never-mind.

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Now all of this alone is quote a story and the lady clearly had some balls (pun intended), but what makes this tale even more disturbing is that it’s the Walmart just down the road from where I live! A Walmart that I shop at all the time, with all three of my kids too. Ewww. Just ewww.

So this leads us back to the title of this article. For those concerned about the same fate happening to them I have 3 simple ways to guarantee you’ll NEVER get punched in the genitals the next time you venture into your local Wally World.

1. Never Shop in Pajama Bottoms

Yes, I see it all the time. People shopping at Walmart wearing their pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. If you do this you are clearly shopping at your own risk as they’re typically only held up by a flimsy tie-string. If that string fails you may very well end up with a size 9 female sneaker buried deep in your grundel. Consider yourself warned.

2. Be a Smart Flasher

If you’re flashing your junk within shoe or fist distance of someone you clearly need to rethink your strategy. Before dropping trou I would recommend sticking your arm or leg out as far as you can and doing a 360 degree circle with your body to make sure you’re not within reach of another human being. In Cub Scouts we did this with a closed pocket knife in our fist and we called it our Blood Circle. If no one was in our blood circle we could open our blade and whittle ’til our hearts content. Flashers take note…maybe call it your Soprano Voice Circle.

3. Simply Keep Your Pants On

Is that really too much to ask people? This would never happen to me because I am normal and don’t expose myself in the aisle of the world’s largest retailer. Although I wouldn’t do it at the “ma and pa” shop down the road either. I can think of 500 different scenarios that involve me shopping at Walmart and none of them involve me staggering out having been hit in the crotch. Unless of course my 6 year old starts swinging a baguette in the bakery section.

If I was shopping at the time of this unfortunate incident I would have shaken this woman’s hand (after she washed it of course) and told her, “Great job, way to rock that pervert’s world!”

Ask the Reader: What is the strangest thing/person you have ever witnessed at Walmart? If you haven’t seen anything strange you might want to spend a couple minutes on People of Walmart.com – great way to people watch from the comfort of your own home.

By Kyle James

Image Credit: Amit Patel on Flickr.com

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5 Responses to “3 Ways to Make Sure You Never Get Punched in the Genitals at Walmart”

  1. Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life on February 6th, 2014 11:24 am

    I really wonder about some people. I have admittedly gone shopping in my Pjs before. There’s a certain time of night where I just don’t care anymore.

  2. Kyle on February 6th, 2014 12:00 pm

    I get totally get it Stefanie! But the cool thing about shopping at Walmart is that you don’t have to care about your appearance, you’ll always fit in…

  3. DC @ Young Adult Money on February 6th, 2014 11:45 am

    I honestly avoid Walmart and only shop there once every six months (or so it seems). I’ve definitely seen some strange things there, but thankfully nothing as weird as what you see on People of Walmart!

  4. Kyle on February 6th, 2014 12:02 pm

    The thing about the Walmart where this act took place is that it’s one of the nicer Walmarts I have ever been in. Just goes to show that looks can be deceiving.

  5. Dee @ Color Me Frugal on February 6th, 2014 3:47 pm

    I love this post, it totally cracked me up. When I was in college I used to work at a group home for adults with disabilities and one of the ladies peed in the cosmetics aisle at Walmart once when I took her shopping. The other shoppers in that aisle were not impressed, I don’t think they wanted any lipstick after that.

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