“Woman Glues Herself to Home Depot Toilet Seat.”
Yes, you read that headline correctly. Back on November 27th, a woman actually entered the public restroom in the local Home Depot in Commerce, GA and put some Loctite glue on all the toilet seats then grabbed some porcelain herself. Here is the original story.
Within 10 seconds she was fused to the dang thing, ewww. It took a team of emergency personnel to remove her and the seat from the toilet and get her to the hospital where she could be officially separated. UPDATE: So I guess she never actually made it to the hospital as local paramedics were able to use WD-40 to get her unstuck, all while her sister shot video of the whole thing. How crazy is that?
Once investigators put two and two together and viewed security tape it became pretty obvious that she had done it herself in the hopes of a quick payday from the deep pockets of the folks at Home Depot. Such a nice heart warming story for this special time of year. Almost as warm and fuzzy as the crazy lady who planted a human finger in her bowl of chili at Wendy’s back in 2005.
Listen up amateur crazy people, here is the proper way to pull off the toilet seat gluey game.
How to Glue Yourself to a Toilet Seat at ANY Home Improvement Store and Get Away With It:
- Have a partner in crime. Bonnie & Clyde. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid. If you’re going to pull off a job like this you need help. More specifically, one person to do the gluing and one person to do the sitting. Because of the surveillance cameras it became obvious to authorities that no one other than their suspect could have entered the bathroom in a reasonable amount of time to perform the gluing. Bottom-line: You need a mystery gluer to pull this off!
- Pick a different glue. The Loctite glue she used has a 10 second cure time. No, no, no, such an amateur move. Pretty sure if I sit in some goo on a public crapper I ain’t waiting 10 seconds before I stand up and investigate the cause of the gooey-ness. The fact that she felt the goo and still let her ass become one with the seat was a big red flag to authorities. I want instant “butt to plastic” glue. Does Elmer’s make that?
- Who doesn’t look down before sitting? Have you ever gone into a public bathroom, entered a stall, dropped trou, and just haphazardly plopped down on the seat to take care of business? What’s that you say? No, never, really? OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T!! Nobody in recorded history has done this unless they are trying to extort money from a large corporation. I mean heck, even the ancient Romans would careful place squares of loin cloth on public toilet seats before sitting down.
Ask the Reader: So am I missing anything in my strategy of how to make this plan work? I must admit that #3 above is really where the skin meets the porcelain. Nobody will ever believe a story from a person who doesn’t investigate the condition of the toilet seat before sitting down. Agree?
By Kyle James
If you caught the 60 Minutes piece last week talking to Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos, you already know that Amazon is working on the flying delivery of packages via remote powered drones called Amazon Prime Air. According to Bezos, these little drones known as ”octocopters” because of their 8 swirling blades, could be delivering packages weighing up to five pounds by 2015.
My mind immediately started racing with the potential problems, some hilarious and some tragic…
1. Pets Beware
My Basset Hound “Bo” would go absolutely nuts if an Amazon drone tried to land in our front yard. He would either run off in complete fear and get hit by a car or get waaaay too close to the eight swirling ear slicers. Tip to Bezos: Have the drones drop a dog treat before landing, maybe even drop the treat 30 feet away from where the thing actually lands. I mean seriously, our UPS driver is always armed with a pocket full of dog treats and Bo the Basset runs with delight when he pulls into our driveway.
Also, as has been previously documented, my family has two new pygmy goats here on the Rather-Be-Shopping.com ranch. What the heck happens if the drone gets off course by 30 feet and lands in the goat pen? We could be eating goat sausage for months. Going to have a hard time explaining that one to the kids. Not good.
2. Shoot’n Shop Time!
I live in a fairly conservative part of the country where folks love their Fox News and their guns. What’s to keep folks from taking out their shotguns and doing a little “shoot’n shop”?
I can picture it now, it’s Christmas Eve and you still don’t have a gift for your wife, just set up a lawn chair in the front yard and when you see a drone in the area, BANG!, shoot the thing down, wrap the contents, and stick’r under the tree. A little Uncle Eddie”ish” no doubt, but you can’t tell me people won’t do this, especially in rural areas.
3. Beware the Flying Guillotine
What is to keep this thing from lopping off someones noggin as they walk around the neighborhood? Nothing says Christmas like red blood in the streets. Yikes. Bezos even talked about this in the interview. The systems to make Prime Air work correctly would have to be pretty rock solid. One head lopping and the experiment is over.
4. Apartment Dwellers Beware
If you don’t have a front yard and instead live in an apartment you might end up with a drone banging against your sliding glass door, destroying your screen door, trying to deliver your Christmas packages. The logistics of Prime Air give me a headache just thinking about it. If this ever actually happens, I think the percentage of people and houses that will be approved for delivery will be exactly 34 homes nationwide. They will be large estates, with HUGE front lawns, inside the city limits of large metropolitan areas. Ironically, these will also be the only people who’ll be able to afford it.
5. What Do You Really Need in 30 Minutes?
Amazon promises 30 minute deliver on most packages with Prime Air. Let’s see, the list of Christmas gifts or everyday products I MUST have within 30 minutes? Pretty short list. Maybe Insulin. Rattlesnake venom. As for Christmas….maybe gravy. Nothing worse than carving up the turkey or prime rib and realizing you don’t have any gravy for the mashed potatoes. Prime Air to the rescue baby.
Ask the Reader: What do you think of Amazon Prime Air? Do you think you’d use it if the delivery costs were fairly reasonable? Not sure what “fairly reasonable” would be though. Kind of fun to think about.
By Kyle James
(I don’t feature many guest posts anymore but I thought this one was spot on and happy to include it today! Joey Brewer is a financial contributor who reports on the best holiday deals and writes about smart shopping tips and home budgeting strategies.)
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One day J$ will educate ya, the next day he’ll entertain ya, and the next you’ll laugh at loud sitting in your cubicle on an otherwise gloomy day. That ain’t easy folks.
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OK, you HAVE to check out this video of the folks camping out in front of the Best Buy in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. They of course are camping out for Black Friday deals, but they are TEN days early. Yes, you read that correctly, not 5, not 7, but TEN days early!
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I have become a HUGE fan of ABC’s hit show Shark Tank. A show about entrepreneurs looking for investors to partner with so they can grow their business even more…right up my alley.
But the reason I write this article is because of an entrepreneur that absolutely stole my heart in the November 15th episode.
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Well, CBS4 in Denver anyways. But CBS is CBS, right?
It all started with a phone call from a CBS4 producer on Wednesday afternoon. She had found my article Retailer’s Big Secret: Crack the Price Tag Code and wanted to do a news story on it. Pretty cool!
She went on to say that she wanted to do a Skype interview with me on Thursday morning and asked if I was up for it. My first [...] Continue Reading…